no, seriously, it is. i've had some experience in recent weeks in disagreeing with various people, sometimes over misunderstandings or misinterpretations or just plain differences of opinion, and i've come to a new understanding of what makes a good argument.
we've all had experience with people for whom an argument isn't really an argument, it's just a plain all-out fight. it seems, in retrospect, that fights are often not about the comment or action or idea that kicks off the whole thing, they're more about venting or finally saying mean things that we dare not say in our saner moments.
a couple of weeks ago i had a disagreement with a coworker over some nebulous office policy, and it was just that, a disagreement. a difference of opinion. we each have our own idea and understanding of the issue, and we've come to our own conclusions about what is 'right'. we aired our views, and others came to offer their opinions, and we all did a bit of talking and listening and understanding the other point(s) of view.
also a couple of weeks ago, i had a disagreement with a coworker that left me in tears after a barrage of unexpected angry words were directed my way. i realized at that point that a good argument isn't one that features zingers that will make the recipient wince, displays of anger that will wipe that smirk off someone's face or harsh words that will forever haunt; i guess those are 'fights' (or, sometimes, just vaguely sickening, tummultuous glimpses into the deepest, blackest, most tormented recesses of a soul)
i'm pretty dazzled by this new concept of a good argument, but it seems to methat a good argument doesn't even need to result in someone giving in or a compromise being reached. a good, successful argument could very well just be one which leaves the parties involved feeling that they've reached some sort of better understanding and offers the knowledge that future opportunities exist for calm, rational discussion, should other issues arise.
i'm still fairly certain that the person i shared this enlightening conversation with is not my cup of tea in many ways, but i have a newfound respect for his style of communicating, and this leaves me feeling quite hopeful, and makes his coworker-ship that much more enjoyable.
1 comment:
Yeah, sometimes all you can do is hear each other's points, exchange understanding, and decide that there's a stalemate. It's *so* tempting (at least with my own personality) to keep at it until the other person agrees ... but sometimes there's no changing minds, no "win" to be had. All you can get is pride for having listened actively to what the other person said -- even if you disagree completely ... and hope that you've communicated your side with integrity and clarity.
When someone vents and bursts with sparks and fury and misplaced barrages of venom ... well, that ceases to become an argument at some point, and is mostly verbal violence.
Even for two people *trained* in arguing with each other, it can be hard to stay on-point ... for acquaintances or workmates, the lack of agreed-to ground rules can be tough to work around.
Post a Comment